psyche's closet

being me

granted, the phrase, "finding one's self" is overrated schmuck. i've read another blog wherein the writer argues that you're not actually trying to find yourself, you're trying to put some semblance of meaning into your life. a valid point, i must say. though on my part i still believe "finding myself" will be the appropriate term for what had been trying to do lately.

i am a multi-faceted individual. i am many things to different people - sweet, childish, boy-crazy, smart, temperamental, loyal, rebellious, introverted, weird, snobbish, caring, intuitive, egotistic, conceited, etc. and though i never quite knew who i actually am to myself, i know one thing for sure - with me, what you see is what you get. i never pretended to be somebody i'm not, i don't pretend to feel things i don't really feel, i don't pretend to have things i don't have. i'm me - whoever that is.

in the course of the past week, i have been accused of things i'm KNOW i'm not. i realized i just spent 2 years of my life with a man who thinks i'm a social climber and spent several months with a friend who in the end concluded that i won't have lasting friendships because i'm selfish. this is precisely the reason why i built a wall around myself. i try to screen the people i let in, but in the end things like these still happen. one might think i might be acting defensively, but i did try to reflect and check if there's truth to what they're saying. the answer's still no. i may not know who i am but i definitely know who i'm not. it is heartbreaking how i poured my soul to these people only to be judged and ridiculed like this. one because i chose to walk a path different from what he is taking, and the other because of... (gasp!) a boy. my armor is punctured, the only weapon left with me is a small knife. i don't think i'd be able to let anyone go past the wall surrounding me again. it's too risky, and i'm too much of a chickenshit to risk getting hurt again. i'll never find anyone who'd care for me as much as i care for myself anyway; in the end, all i really have is myself.

i did find myself though. i realized that i don't have to be under a specific stereotype. i can enjoy reading, writing and learning new things as much as i enjoy going out to dance and drink with my friends. i can still write and harbor dreams of writing for a living although i chose the corporate path for that much needed cash. i can maintain a liberal mind though i'm not exactly liberal (it would take a whole new article to explain this, and i don't think this is something that i can share in my blog). i shouldn't let other people tell me who they think i should be or who theyb think i should become. i can be a smartass, a geek, a bimbo, a bitch. i am all of those things because that multi-layered schizophrenic personality is what makes me who i am. to hell with what other people think. i am finally at peace with becoming an individual.

posted by moonchild @ 5:36 PM