psyche's closet

May 19, 2003 - May 19, 2005

I remember crossing the street towards the Citibank building that night. I was wearing black, as if I was mourning. Up until now I can close my eyes and see the exact same vision I was seeing back then. I stared at the building, looked at the vertical and horizontal lines defined by fluorescent light, looked down at the envelope in my hands and thought, “I might be making one of the biggest mistakes of my life.”

2 years after, I look down on the same spot where I was standing beside the near-empty street that is Libis. What kind of person have I become? Am I better? Am I worse? I’m as much of a cynic now as I was then and essentially I’m still the same though the circumstances I’m in are different, but the circumstances dictated different courses of actions. Things will never be the same as they were before. When I handed them that contract I didn’t realize that I was also handing over my dreams and other opportunities that might lead me to living the life that I really wanted. When I signed those papers I didn’t know that it didn’t just bind me to a job, it also redirected my life. I used to look back at that incident with resentment and regret. If only I waited for a few more weeks... If only i wasn't too damn scared of not being able to find a job... but now, I'm thinking, what if this is really where I should be? I'm a mediocre writer, how can i possibly think that i can write for a living? I can't afford to go back to school to pursue law or interior design, why did i hold on to those dreams? what if maybe, just maybe, this is the best place for me to be?

I'm accepting my fate now, i made a move which would bind me further to the company for another year doing another thing which i never really saw myself doing, but i'm content. I'm seeing the situation clearly for the first time. I have duties, I have obligations; if this is the only way of fulfilling those then so be it. After two long grueling years I finally realized what I was mourning for that night – the death of an ambition.

posted by moonchild @ 4:01 PM