lessons from american idol
yes, i watch american idol. so sue me. i love bo bice ;)
vonzell solomon got ousted last night. or should i say, this morning - i watched the early morning rerun on star. i also watched her as she performed the other night, trying to do her best although she knew she was fighting a losing battle; carrie had more fans and bo was too brilliant. i saw her smile during the elimination. i knew that kind of smile. 'twas the type of smile that you force yourself to make though you're heart is being ripped apart, though what you really want to do is cry. she nodded when her name was called, still smiling as if she has accepted her fate and resigned herself to the inevitable.
vonzell was good. she had so much energy and charisma onstage and she's a really good singer. it was, however, not enough. i thought to myself,
"gattaca na naman 'to." while everybody else i know who watched gattaca identified with or at least liked vincent, ethan hawke's character, i liked jerome morrow (jude law) instead. imagine being jerome morrow, everybody says you have what it takes, but you always end up second best. life sucks. i just wish i can be more like vonzell and continue performing and smiling even though i know that i'd be biting the dust soon. did you know that it was her 2nd time to join am-idol? she didn't get in the last time. i wish i can have that much perseverance, too. problem is, i'm too much like jerome morrow
. ndi pa ko cripple
ng lagay na yan.* i wrote this and saved this as a draft last week. i wasn't able to get back to it until today, can't add anything to it
na. bo and carrie had performed already and the winner is to be decided tomorrow. go bo!!!
of babies and breakups
a friend is pregnant. she'd be giving birth to twins on november.
wla lng. aliw. i wonder what it's like to actually live your life while being responsible for another (or in her case, 2 other) living being/s inside you. you have to watch what you eat, you have to really, really take care of yourself because you're breathing not only for yourself now but also for your baby (-ies). ah, motherhood - the ultimate form of love and sacrifice.
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i have observed that women generally handle breakups better than men does. that is, if they still love the person they broke up with. i'm sure everybody has heard of horror stories of women begging men to take them back, promising the guy that they'd do everything he wants, stalking the guy and his new love interest, etc. but believe me, men are worse. men are much, much worse. even if i write about this in vague terms somebody will kill me after reading this.
tama na. i'll just leave it at that.
being me
granted, the phrase, "finding one's self" is overrated schmuck. i've read another blog wherein the writer argues that you're not actually trying to find yourself, you're trying to put some semblance of meaning into your life. a valid point, i must say. though on my part i still believe "finding myself" will be the appropriate term for what had been trying to do lately.
i am a multi-faceted individual. i am many things to different people - sweet, childish, boy-crazy, smart, temperamental, loyal, rebellious, introverted, weird, snobbish, caring, intuitive, egotistic, conceited, etc. and though i never quite knew who i actually am to myself, i know one thing for sure - with me, what you see is what you get. i never pretended to be somebody i'm not, i don't pretend to feel things i don't really feel, i don't pretend to have things i don't have. i'm me - whoever that is.
in the course of the past week, i have been accused of things i'm KNOW i'm not. i realized i just spent 2 years of my life with a man who thinks i'm a social climber and spent several months with a friend who in the end concluded that i won't have lasting friendships because i'm selfish. this is precisely the reason why i built a wall around myself. i try to screen the people i let in, but in the end things like these still happen. one might think i might be acting defensively, but i did try to reflect and check if there's truth to what they're saying. the answer's still no. i may not know who i am but i definitely know who i'm not. it is heartbreaking how i poured my soul to these people only to be judged and ridiculed like this. one because i chose to walk a path different from what he is taking, and the other because of... (gasp!) a boy. my armor is punctured, the only weapon left with me is a small knife. i don't think i'd be able to let anyone go past the wall surrounding me again. it's too risky, and i'm too much of a chickenshit to risk getting hurt again. i'll never find anyone who'd care for me as much as i care for myself anyway; in the end, all i really have is myself.
i did find myself though. i realized that i don't have to be under a specific stereotype. i can enjoy reading, writing and learning new things as much as i enjoy going out to dance and drink with my friends. i can still write and harbor dreams of writing for a living although i chose the corporate path for that much needed cash. i can maintain a liberal mind though i'm not exactly liberal (it would take a whole new article to explain this, and i don't think this is something that i can share in my blog). i shouldn't let other people tell me who they think i should be or who theyb think i should become. i can be a smartass, a geek, a bimbo, a bitch. i am all of those things because that multi-layered schizophrenic personality is what makes me who i am. to hell with what other people think. i am finally at peace with becoming an individual.
must... go... home...
my eye has been twitching horribly for 3 days now. though the twitching is not noticeable to other people, i am greatly annoyed and worried by it (might be a symptom of an eye problem, had prescription glasses before but chose not to wear it because of the mark that it leaves on my nosebridge) and thus instead of writing about my recent experiences, realizations, musings and rantings, i'll take my eyes off the computer and will try to get back to my pen and paper instead.
will try to transfer everything i've written on paper when the twitching's gone. i know i'm still typing. have been in front of the computer for 4 hours now. yes, despite the twitch. i had to finish some powerpoint presentations.
must stop.
must leave.
must go home.
aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!
i read
there's this line from "I read" by stephen sondheim that says "i read... to live thru other people's lives." thanks to the growing popularity of blogs i'm able to do just that. i smile as i read about a media practitioner's daily hassles, a fashion designer's dream of opening her own shop, an advertising executive's new ad campaign or a model's go-sees.
these days, deep in the throes of quarterlife crisis, i find myself barely living, sustained by the idea that one day i can be like them, to do something that i'm passionate about and be able to get out of this shithole otherwise known as my life. i read other people's posts and think, "someday i'd be able to gather the courage to walk away from this yuppie-like existence and finally do what i had set my heart to do ever since i was a kid. i'd do the things i've always wanted to do - study law/psychology/interior design, write for a living, open my own bookstore or teach. any of those things would do just fine, i just have to find something that i'm happy with, that i'll be proud of... not this. surely there's more to my life and my capabilities than this."
someday... but until that day, i read.
